Friday 19 June 2009

Failing perquisite and 9 lessons learned.



It appears I haven’t been entirely honest and linear with myself. This time it’s costing me. A lot. Often as I could, I look at these situations (unfortunately when it has happened already and caused casualty) to ask myself this question, what have I learned from this? Another unfortunate fact, since it’s the third time I’m failing this course, it’s clearly obvious what I did wrong or as a matter of fact, what I refused to correct.

This is the third time I fail a perquisite – this means a penalty awaits me. From what I’ve heard, it’s a 6 months leave from the university. I haven’t confirmed this. Or maybe I’ll just have to retake the subject in future semesters, meaning I’ll be allowed to continue finishing course not a requisite to this subject. Yes, it’s Marcoeconomics. Either the case, this is literally rock bottom for me. I consider this a huge failure and loss, not entirely financial but personal.

This is not a big surprise for me. The moment I procrastinated, in 2nd week of my last semester, to come up with a plan of action and stick to it, subsequently ignoring further as the weeks pass by, I knew I was headed for failure. This is the bleak reality I had known. Here comes the obvious, why didn’t I do anything if I had known all this? I’m not sure.

I’ll tell you the ‘why not’ though. Because I was unfocused, uncommitted and a lousy procrastinator that refused to take necessary action until it was too late. Too late. Besides the millions I chose to waste on course retakes, I know I’ve insulted my self-esteem and absolutely have been too easy on my discipline. Too easy. Too easy.

Anyone reading shouldn’t have sympathy for me. I, myself, don’t. I choose not to. Not for a single moment. I will write down the things I’ve learned to help myself see where I need to act and act SOON. Perhaps it might help you too. Read on...

1. The easiest way to fail AGAIN is to think about your mistakes and not take action to improve.

Some might wonder ‘hey, is it that HARD? Or couldn’t you ask someone to help? Or what were you thinking? You deserved it, loser.’ That’s right, I do. I don’t have any excuses or from now on, excuses are not part of my vocabulary. I knew I had made mistakes. It would then, be pointless if I carried on exactly the same way I did. That is to think about it. Here’s the lesson, to repeat my mistakes, I just need to think and not take any action. It’s proven! I want to be objective as I can about this situation. That’s why I waited a few days to calm down and think hard about what’s need to be done. I didn’t want to write loaded passages grieving about what I could’ve done to prevent this incident.

Now looking back, I am glad I failed for the 3rd time. Hell, I’d be glad to fail more and more and MORE…until it became absolutely clear that I had to change and stay changed in my habits. When you’re comfortably (failing) telling the parents it’s all good (but it isn’t) – you have two choices.

One, make sure you study hard next time so at least you’re passing, as that would be more pleasurable than failing again. Second, you refuse to acknowledge your current state of matter and consciously lead yourself to fail once again, as this is more painful than passing and moving on. I’m stubborn ass (it’s not a joke) so – HERE I AM. In taking action, either make it incredibly pleasurable to reach a goal or let the consequences be too painful, so you have to act immediately (least preferred yet it’s bitter medicine).

2. Big effort, little effort …all count. The latter takes longer to be realized.

My grades will be known on the 2nd week. But I already know the results. I will just marginally fail. It’s going to be a few marks below the passing grade. I know, ouch. But even more, this is the 3rd time I just marginally fail. JUST. Just a lil bit dad a dad a da a da, a lil dad a da, a little bit of da d a d a… (just in case I’m ruining the mood for anyone!)

Not kidding, isn’t it a shame? If I can speak generally, more often or not, it’s just a little bit, yeah? A few more marks, some more minutes, just some kind words and self-control and we’d have less predicament in our lives? Just that much. I learned this – there are things ‘easy to do’ and things ‘not easy to do’ things. Point is, if conscious decision and effort are taken daily (or on some consistent basis), those minimum daily efforts will produce larger results COMBINED. Likewise, ignore spending half an hour of revision like me and expect to failure a subject effortlessly (ouch!).

3. Good failures are known failures or opportunities. Bad failure is just …being unlucky.

For me, I know just half an hour each day would be more than enough for me to score reasonably high marks – it’s not …what they say, ‘rocket science’ but hey, even for the rock scientist, his daily work is what makes him distinguishable . What’s more, every decision we choose or choose not to take will produce a result. I’ve learned this not long ago; it’s even more dangerous with the unconscious choices we make. I mean that hour spent checking Facebook pages or snoozing at the cafĂ© when you have things to do. Again, maybe one of those ‘just to kill the time’ activities… it all adds up. Trust me, it’s better to face mistakes to know what’s costing you to stay the same. Because now you know, you can choose to change. What you don’t know, you don’t change and yet – consequences come, either way.

Remember, the past does not equal the future. Except, the same patterns will give the same results. In my case, it’s the same failure. Again and again and again! …AGAIN! The point is, you need to take action, regardless of the situation you’re in. For me, 6 months absence could mean getting a full time job somewhere where a university degree is not required. It could mean time for self-study or taking extra classes. It could also mean working on my intellectual property consultancy project or the urban youth training centers. That, or I could just waste my time and return after 6 months. What I learn is opportunity means options and taking actions (in a positive or negative way). I shall use the time productively because honestly, it is too painful to remain the same. Don’t blame luck or excuses. Research your mistakes so you don’t repeat them. No buts whatsoever.

Still failing? REPEAT and R-E-P-E-A-T until you learn and change.

4. Learn from, don’t linger to failure. Move on as soon as possible.

I’ve had the privilege to fail a lot. Does that mean I will be successful the next time? Never. Every failure turned success comes from learning from past mistake – and not repeating them. As said, it doesn’t matter how many times you fail or need to fail. Unless you learn from it, nothing’s changed. What’s important is you are very real about the outcomes. Your action and decisions needs to be taken based on this.

Another important thing, don’t think in absolute. I mean make sure you try your best to improve but if somehow you’re not where you think you should be – keep moving, hang in there…try more, try harder. What do I know right? I’m kind of loser right now. Yes, I know that. I also know I do work hard in other subjects during the semester and have done reasonably well. It’s just with Macroeconomics, I ignored every sign and ultimately fail. I don’t think the penalty is just but that’s that (I’m not denying my mistakes, but the time gap is too long). I shall focus on what’s working for me. What matters is the six months ahead and what I’ll do.

I’m not thinking positive alone, after writing this, it’s another non-stop session of action planning. Period.

5. Having priorities in life is a good way to deal with failure.

I’m talking about personal failures. I know for certain up till this point, my life isn’t a string a priorities. It’s a mess. I’m not talking about your way or anyone’s way of viewing it. Some people imagine attending a foreign university coming from middle income families is ‘having a good start’. For me, it’s about taking control of my life. My life, not the life my parents or anyone else’s life for me. Mine.

I realized that my performance varies with subjects. Some I get HDs, others, like Macroeconomics, I fail three times in a row. What does it say? One could find many answers. I like question my priorities and focus. I used to excuse myself every single time the topic is about ‘did I wanted to attend this university’. I’d say it’s not my choice in the first place, therefore I’m not trying hard enough. Being rebellious, yes. Being truthful to self, maybe yes. Being stupid and narrowed minded, certainly yes! Here’s the problem, say I had a plan that I absolutely am committed to follow but was interrupted by going to RMIT Vietnam. Then I’d be pissed.

The way I see it, I had no direction and little commitment to find it when I joined RMIT Vietnam. Being here has taught me many things and made me friends with good people. Saying I’d rather be somewhere else because I didn’t know nor wanted to be anywhere else – IS AN EXCUSE. Fortunately, I am taking action to improve this area. Eleven official days I’ve been ‘prospecting my goals and plans for the future’. This is done with the help of a professional, seriously. I am committed to making it work.

Back to my story, if I am half-way through with the degree and this will aid me in the future – I MUST FOLLOW THROUGH. Failures like this, now as it seems, are just reality checks for me to refocus and revitalize my priorities. One of which is completing the Bachelor degree, with average DIs! My point is it all depends on how you look at it. With a plan and clear goals, failure or obstacles will come in the form of lessons and trials that strengthens you.

6. Being honest about your mistakes.

Talking to someone is good relief. Don’t hold it in – like me. A friend said I didn’t get along with groups. I don’t deny it. I don’t have close friends, so at times like this I resort to blogging and maybe closure from my imaginary friend Mika. *sighs* OKAY, okay… I will talk straightly with mom and my grandparents about my case. I’ve never told them the truth about my studies and that’s another mistake. Like it or not, I now know that it’s my responsibility to be responsible towards my family – whether I like it or not. They’re paying for my education. It’s their investment too and they need to know.

Being honest, particularly once mistakes are made, is a good way to reflect and learn (objectively). How to not lie to yourself? Take a day off, leave the case behind (if can) and look at it when you’re not too emotional. Works best for me – the key is honest self-assessment.

For example, some of my flaws were: (writing them down really help to make it CLEAR)

  • Lack of discipline in planning my study schedule and doing it daily.
  • Not acknowledging that I will fail If even if I’m taking a familiar subject because I never study for it.
  • Not seeking help from my friends. Some tutoring would form me a study habit.
  • Not attending classes regularly.
  • Not reporting to anyone about my progress and did not review my progress consistently.

7. Your choice, your responsibility.

There will be times where personal failures are subjected to public opinions. People will talk about it, the comments will be mixed. For some it’s a lighter issue, others, it’s a big deal. However, my conviction is this, I am always, ALWAYS RESPONSIBLE for my decisions. I’m not saying you should tackle the problems yourself or ignore people’s help. Nevertheless, the end decision is yours. Your choice, your outcome. There’s nothing more clearer than this.

8. Learn from others. Really LEARN from others.

Okay, okay…this one is too off focus. How does the saying goes? ‘if you haven’t fail, you haven’t been a student’?!! Comedy aside, it’s not a matter of ‘reinventing the wheel’. I don’t have to repeat the past mistakes if there’s a conscious decision to learn and avoid. What I really mean is, you got to get the information, learn about the failure and take the actions to ensure you don’t follow the same pattern that have led to other’s past mistakes. Only then it will be meaningful to learn from others. Model their successes, skip the failures.

I fall flat in this area. I knew the cases of student failing three times in a row. I didn’t have to look anywhere but myself to see the pattern repeating itself. And I STILL DO IT. I’ve learned it takes hard work to avoid conventional mistakes, especially if it doesn’t appear relevant to you right now. My lesson taken is whenever, and whatever I am committed to I will research the failures and TAKE ACTION TO AVOID REPEATING THE PATTERN. If I don’t feel the need to be prepared – the information doesn’t lie. If I stop being rational and rationalize myself in destine-to-fail-circumstances (e.g. not studying when exam is 2 weeks away?!) then I am hurting MYSELF ONLY.

9. “Demand more from yourself than anybody else”.

Sure enough, there’s a big tendency for me to be depressed or lose my momentum in a week’s time. I might come back but retain my old habits, score disappointing grades and graduate with my hat down. A big tendency.

As of the last eleven days up till now, I absolutely refuse to compromise with myself. I will come back and get average of DIs. Because I know I have little to lose when I try my best compared to what I WILL LOSE by not giving 100% commitment and effort!

This has been a highly unwanted but NECESSARY experience for me. I trust myself to move on with these lessons and see the results myself.